Support for survivors, friends, and allies
Sexual and relationship violence are traumatic. When we experience trauma and abuse, we respond, react, and adapt in a variety of ways. We may “fight,” “freeze,” “flee,” or “fawn,” which can show up as numbness, sadness, and avoidance, feelings of anger, frustration, or anxiety. It may be that we want to pretend the event did not happen, that it wasn't a big deal, or we may want to talk about it at length. A survivor may not want to be alone, or they may isolate themselves; they may also dissociate and disconnect in social situations.
Common Reactions
- Anger
- Feeling numb
- Crying
- Being extremely calm
- Fear
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Isolation
- Embarrassment
- Difficulty concentrating
- Sleep disturbances
- Self-blame
- Worrying that others will find out
- Not wanting to talk about it
- Not wanting to be touched
- Not wanting to being alone
Responding
There's no one "right" way to respond. Hold space for a range of responses.
Trauma impacts memory recall and nervous system regulation (e.g. coping). It is common to have difficulty in recalling events chronologically or “coherently,” with fragmented recall to be expected as characteristic of traumatic experience. Losing a sense of safety and control over one's body and environment can change the way someone approaches every aspect of their life.
Healing begins when the individual's sense of safety and control returns, and that takes time and support.
Time
If someone is disclosing to you, reinforce that you believe the survivor, and that whatever they are feeling and however they want to deal with their experience is okay. If a survivor speaks to you about an event that happened years ago, realize that healing can be a long, ongoing process. Affirm that there's no timetable for healing.
Language
In speaking with survivors, use language that validates the survivor’s experience, and reflects back to them what they've told you. It's common to not initially name what happened as assault, rape, or abuse, while recognizing that something doesn't feel right—a boundary crossed, a gut feeling, a harmful experience, etc. When feelings of safety start to return, different ways of trying to make sense of the experience can take shape, in part by talking about it, and trying out language that feels right.
Language that could suggest that what happened was the survivor’s fault (“What were you wearing?”) originates from a culture that normalizes harm, and blames victims for what happened to them.
Listen
Listen to what a survivor has to say, and refrain from asking invasive questions. Only ask what you need to know in that moment: is the survivor safe right now? Is there anything they want to ask about or need from you? Asking intrusive or extensive questions can be re-traumatizing and will not make the survivor feel supported. It can take a huge amount of trust and effort for a survivor to speak about their experiences; don’t push someone to tell you more than they feel comfortable saying.
When we ask invasive and blaming questions, make suggestions about what to do to not get hurt again, and talk about what they "should" have done, is not helpful. Neither is telling them what they "should" do now, including getting help, or reporting the event.
The choices and actions of another person harmed them, and they are the only one that embodies this experience. Only they have the right to make decisions, and we give power back to them through this choice, space, and autonomy.
Supportive Measures
Self-Care
As important as it is to be present for survivors, remember to set boundaries and take care of yourself. If you are a survivor yourself, this is especially important. Be as honest as you can about what support you can provide and how much time you have to spend with the survivor. If you have an exam at 10 a.m. tomorrow, you don't have to respond to calls from the survivor at 3 a.m. Remind them of the other resources (such as crisis lines) that are available to them.
Enforcing boundaries can be really hard, because as friends we want to do whatever we can to help. However, it’s important to understand that by setting boundaries we can avoid setting false expectations for a survivor. By creating an example of healthy boundary-setting you can show the survivor that it is okay to lovingly set and respect others' limits, and avoid letting them down when you’re not available to offer support. You can help them create a bigger safety net by offering to connect them to other resources. Being the "only person I can talk to" isn't healthy for you or the survivor; they will be better off if they have a broad base of support.
Care Plan
It is not always easy to prioritize or remember to engage in self-care. Creating a self-care plan may help. Self-care means attending to your heart, head, and hands, as a restorative demonstration of love and care for the self. It means taking steps to protect and attend to yourself, which is especially vital after an experience of potentially traumatic relational harm. It is okay to ask for what you need, and it is okay to say no if someone wants you to do something. You do not have to take care of anyone else’s feelings. You do not have to protect other people by pretending everything’s okay. You do not have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to.
Ideas For Your Plan
Physical
- Exercise: take a walk, attend a class, dance, etc.
- Eat favorite foods
- Shower
- Wear comfortable clothing
- Light a favorite candle
- Listen to music
Emotional
- Express through journaling, talking
- Permission to feel, to cry, to laugh
- Affirmations
- Make art!
Spiritual & Social
- Meditation and grounding
- Spend time with family and friends
- Attend services and/or support groups
- Engage in spiritual practice
- Ground into nature
- Engage in play!
Grounding
When we feel activated, anxious, alone, or find ourselves stuck in harmful self-talk scripts, we can bring ourselves back to the present and find a feeling of safety rooted in self-compassion.
We may want to appeal to one or more of our body’s five senses–touch, sight, sound, taste, and smell. This is called grounding. When we’re feeling anxious, it can become really difficult to remember what is happening right here and now. Grounding techniques can help to bring us back from that feeling and encourage us to be present. They can remind us that we are safe, that our body is safe, and we can return to it. It can help reorient your thoughts to the here-and-now, and less on the hypothetical, “what if” world that anxiety brings us.
You can practice these strategies when you are in a settled space, so they are easy to access when you are more activated or when you need them the most. They can be preventative, used as an intervention, or part of your “postvention,” or aftercare practice. What might you do to settle back into yourself?
Additional Resources & Handouts
- When we learn someone we care about has experienced sexual assault, it can be challenging to know what to do. The Allies Guide from Project Callisto helps friends and family understand what their loved one is going through and ways to be supportive.
- RAINN, which maintains the the National Sexual Assault Hotline, offers guidance around Self-Care for Friends and Family.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline survivor-centered language guide offers insight into the impact our language can have on our discussions around interpersonal violence.
- The Student Survivor Toolkit from Equal Rights Advocate is a resource made by survivors, for survivors. It offers guidance, advice, and information for survivors on college campuses that may be helpful for friends and allies looking for language and information, and ways to support.
- Create a coping-ahead, “self-care” plan by spending time reflecting on what works for you, talking with friends, or downloading a copy of the template linked here, for a Coping Bank activity.
- Are you a faculty member, student, or staff member who works in a student-facing role on campus? Our SHARE handout offers language around disclosure, support, and transparency. Make a copy to maintain in your office, talk about it with your colleagues, or reflect on your strategies around holding this space.